Running. Striving.

{A lament, in my own folly}

What defines a fool? Is it one who repeatedly does something that causes harm, and does not have the discipline to retreat and stay away? I am a fool.

Lately when I hear the word discipline, I cringe. I know I am far from it. I continue to say Yes, I'll do that- tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. I have fallen into the path of life I always criticized from the outside. I know I need to return to my old ways. Most people flee from and rebuke their old ways. I need mine back. My ways of discipline, childlike trust, dreams, integrity.

I am on a hamster wheel, running. Running, running, but getting nowhere. In all my busyness and neglect of people, church, devotion, prayer, and health, what have I gained from it in 6 months? Surely I must have invested in something big. I invested in work, I must have gotten rich. No, I have nothing left. Something always comes up to take my money away. I've obtained a measly amount for 6 months of folly and neglect. Lord, help me to discipline myself. I am folly. I despised it, and I've become it. The more I despise it- the more I become it. What is life? It is but a mist. And as I try so hard to hold on to it, it slips away from me. I am not in control. "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it-but whoever loses their life for my sake will find it" Matthew 16:25.

It. is. all. meaningless.

It. is. all. fleeting.

Get me off this hamster wheel. Going so fast, getting nowhere.

"For that which I am doing, I do not understand, for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." Romans 7:15.